Today I was reading Aikahi’s Blog and it got me thinking about the difference between who I am today and that hypothetical person I’d have become had I not been introduced to Adderall.

The blogger writes:

“It feels good being off Adderall but I have been experiencing some withdraw symptoms. For one I sometimes feel that I need this drug in order to succeed in life. I made it all the way through college without Adderall so I know it is possible to get ahead without it. But sometimes my mind tells me otherwise and I have to constantly remind myself that it is possible. The other problem is that some of my developed negative thinking and bad habits carried over from the drug. Before taking Adderall I was ambitious and motivated but once I started taking it that all declined. Now that I stopped I have to get motivated again and get back into my original mindset. I am fearful because sometimes I wonder if its even possible. I could just be depressed and need to see a psychologist but I am not going off the deep end or anything. Hopefully I will overcome this and get back on track.”

I can relate to this fellow-blogger’s feelings. Before I took Adderall I knew who I was. I had passions, and the ambition to grow. Now I am a space cadet with it and aimless without it. It’s like my head, drugged or not, second-guesses everything: what’s the point of the “pursuit of happiness” if I know already I’ll find some excuse to not be happy when I get there?

Nothing I do is quick or efficient enough. So I do nothing, or I dick around with trivial matters, because somehow I can convince myself dicking around is less wasteful than doing something productive in an inefficient, unproductive manner.

Can we get back to the people we were before Adderall, the trajectories we were on? I have diverged from that other life, such that I don’t know the person I was or could have been—much less who I might be now, seven years later, had I never taken Adderall.