Love A.D.D.erall
At 21 they diagnosed me with AD/HD & gave me smart pills. My grades shot up & my future brightened & some said I was better. But I am numb inside of this drug. People I love become distant strangers sometimes, so proud of me for victories I didn’t earn. How do I tell them I am not what I do or have done. I’ll never be happy on this drug, but I’ll never be successful without it. If only I could Love Adderall.Archive for August, 2007
As Always
It’s 6pm, and I’ve woken. Thursday is my nothing day–the day of the week in which I deliberately schedule absolutely nothing, knowing I’d need it to catch up on sleep because I cannot live on a 24 hour sleep schedule. So now rather than pursue the things I find important, I’ll be pulling an all-nighter preparing for tomorrow’s presentation on some topic I once found fascinating enough to write a Master’s paper about, but which now only marginally interests me.
Time to Adderall up!… for more of the superfluous and the tangential. My blogs and my ideas and my passion remain on the back burner. My childish plans to save the world will have to wait.
As always.
There are Orange Generic Adderalls, Too
So I went into the pharmacy with my RS for 20 mg Adderall and told the guy behind the counter I wanted the orange brand name. He told me they didn’t carry the brand name because it was too expensive. Then he asked what was my beef with the generics, and I told him how the pink ones make me excessively jittery and often do more harm than good.
To my surprise the pharmacist told me that his generic brand was actually orange, not pink. Obviously this throws a new wrench in my previously held, simplistic assumption that only one generic brand of Adderall existed, and that it was pink. I don’t know why it never dawned on me that there were multiple generic brands of Adderall–especially since I’ve taken this other orange generic brand in the past.
So I went with the orange generic brand this month. One side has “b 973″ inscribed and the other says “2|0″ (for 20 mgs). The pharmacist told me he hasn’t heard much about the pink type, only that it’s cheap and unpopular. That explains why its so abundant at the University Health Care Center.
Which Country Contains the Most Intelligent People in the World?
(Note: Please explore my other musings on this question, which can be found here, and here.)
Instead of answering this question, I’m going to tell you why it’s a stupid one. There is no such thing as a universal intelligence that exists across all societies.
Many people think of IQ (which stands for “intelligence quotient”) as the best way to measure a person’s intelligence. The IQ was originally created in France, and was later modified in Germany and the United States. Since these are all developed countries, the IQ only measures forms of intelligence that are valued in developed countries. Specifically, it measures concentration, memory, verbal skills, and mathematical aptitude. Indeed, the most successful people in the U.S. are those who concentrate in school, memorize information, and score well on their SATs. These are the people who get into the best colleges and eventually get the best jobs. We therefore come to see them as intelligent.
But how useful are American forms of “intelligence” in starving nations like Somalia or Bangladesh? Having a large vocabulary or being good at math won’t get you hired if there are no jobs to compete for in the first place. The people who are intelligent in those countries are the ones who simply know how to survive. That presumably requires a set of skills that aren’t measured by the westernized IQ testsuch as: resilience, instinctual grit, physical toughness, etc. If you placed a Harvard graduate in the middle of the Sahara with no food or water, he wouldn’t be “intelligent” enough to survive. At the same time, the savviest people in the undeveloped world might not even know how to read, and does, wouldn’t be considered “intelligent” by Western standards.
So, which country contains the most intelligent people in the world? That depends on where you ask the question, because the “intelligent” people in Haiti have nothing in common with the “intelligent” people on Long Island. Likewise, we A.D.D.ers need to be careful not to fall into a trap of feeling unintelligent simply because we excel in different ways than most people.
Hyperfocus
It is a common misconception that people with AD/HD always lack an ability to focus. At times, in fact, we experience a state known as hyperfocus. Actually, A.D.D. individuals’ concentration suffers detriments only while doing tedious, mundane tasks. Many are surprised to learn that A.D.D. people actually have greater concentration in clutch situations.
Usually hyperfocus occurs in situations of very high stimulation. Fighter pilots are often individuals with AD/HD because hyperfocuses maximizes one’s ability to perform in high octane, high pressure situations. It also helps A.D.D. people to maintain composure when your typical person would freak out. In other instances, this is called an ability “think on your feet.”
Update on Brand Name Orange Adderall vs. Generic Pink Adderall
About a month ago I wrote about my suspicions regarding the generic brands of Adderall. It was, and is, my contention that something is profoundly different about the new (generic) pink Adderall, compared to the brand name orange variety (at 20 mg).
This weekend I met a pharmacy grad student out at the bars. When I posed my theory to her, the girl instantly transitioned from ditsy barfly mode into “defend my career field” mode, and was uncomfortably aggressive in her defense of the pharmaceutical industry in general. She seemed to take my inquiry as an attack on her as an individual. I tried to explain that I wasn’t a scientologist and had no financial interest in derailing her profession. But it was too late, she’d already been unleashed on this weird diatribe against “ignorant ass-heads who bash pharmacists because they’ve got nothing better to do.” Okay. She was particularly defensive of penicillin, which said to me she was too cocked to cognitively separate her internal thoughts from the substance of the conversation in which she was being invited to participate.
Anyway, I came away from this conversation more convinced than ever that something really shady is going on; either (a) the pink generic Adderall makers are cutting corners or (b) the orange brand name Adderall makers are not shooting straight when it comes to sharing their chemical recipe with their pink competitors. Obviously I can’t trust doctors or pharmacists or drunk chicks at bars to give me a straight answer. It is such a helpless, powerless feeling. I’ve decided its time to go back on the orange stuff for a month to find out if the difference is real or if it’s only in my head.
Of course there’s a very real possibly of the placebo effect, which I know in the past has influenced my perceptions of Adderall’s usefulness. To control for this I need some sort of way to monitor which color pill I take and when. I’m familiar with statistics and how to conduct a scientific study, and ideally I’d have to have both the pink pills and the orange ones on-hand; and I’ll need to take them without knowing which color pill I’m taking. Tentatively I’m planning to go light on my medication this month so that I’ll still have some pink pills left when I get my prescription refilled. Then I’ll go back to taking my regular dosage. Each swallow a pill I’ll take a picture of it (without actually looking at it) and I’ll date the photo. Then I’ll write extensive notes about how the medication affects me feel each day, and I’ll try to guess which color pill is inside of me.
At the end of the month I’ll look at all my photos and notes to compare how I felt on the pink pills with how I felt on the orange ones. If my hypothesis is correct then the orange pills, compared to the pink ones, will make me:
- more focused
- less jittery
- less hungry
- more dehydrated
All in all, I like how the generic pink pills don’t dehydrate me and suppress my appetite as conspicuously as do the older, organge ones. Then again, without the ability to focus without feeling ultra-jittery I sometimes wonder if its worth it to take the new Adderall at all.
Obviously a viable alternative theory to my assertion that the two brands are innately different is that my tolerance has shot up over the years, so the drug simply isn’t as effective now as it was when I first began taking it. But if that was the case I don’t understand why the pink generic Adderall would make me MORE anxious and jittery than the traditional orange pills did; wouldn’t I build up a tolerance to that as well.
Or perhaps the orange brand changed its chemical composition right around the time I switched to the pink, so maybe the orange used to be better but now sucks as bad as the pink ones do. Who the hell knows! But I’m as determined as ever to get to the bottom of this since no psychologist in this world (let alone any pharmacist) seems willing or able to provide a straightforward answer.
If anyone has any ideas–scientific or otherwise–regarding my little novice study please let me know. I’m especially interested in suggestions for how I might objectively measure the effects (levels of dehydration, concentration, anxiety, appetite, etc.). Just to be clear, I’m not planning on taking a larger dose of medication, so please don’t worry about me overdosing or whatever. Actually, I’ll be “underdosing” for the next few weeks in order to save up my pinks for the September/October comparison.
Finally if you know anyone who has taken either of these two brands (or BOTH) please direct them to my site so they too can provide some input. The official names of the two types are as follows:
- PINK/Generic = “Dex/Amphetamine Salt”
- ORANGE/Brand Name = “Adderall”
Bracing for Crash-Landings
Traffic is heavy and I ache to break the rules. I fantasize about passing everyone in the breakdown lane. We’re stalled on the bridge when suddenly it caves beneath us; all is eerily serene inside that moment of plummeting toward the river.
My life with A.D.D. is that breathless moment, bracing for crash-landings and wishing I never would have waited in lines.
Me against Textbooks against Education
Something occurred to me today as I tried to pick a textbook for the course I’m teaching this fall. Major publishers have been sending complimentary copies of their heaviest, most boring social science texbooks, hoping I’ll adopt one of them for my intro class and thus require sixty students to purchase them from the publisher at one-hundred bucks a pop.
Leafing through these textbooks, the uninspired attitude I knew as an undergrad comes rushing back. All of my classes seemed interchangeable in my early college years, every session felt exactly the same. Neither challenged nor inspired, I learned to see learning as an exchange that took place between myself and instructors: I agreed to sit still and be bored for fifteen hours a week, and they agreed in return not to flunk me. In essence, I was cashing in my time for a credential.
I realized they were all the same, these orthodox textbooks; and that they always have been. Sure, the content changes ever slightly as researchers stumble across new shit, but the orthodox look and generic feel of a textbook hasn’t changed since I first cracked one open in elementary school. All prospective textbooks are filled with charts and graphs, spiced up with the most generic photos a publishers can find: dead white guys who said something that once was deemed profound; Japanese people using computers; Kenyans winning marathons; women with covered faces in the Middle East; backpacked children boarding yellow buses in suburban America.
Nothing in these books distinguishes one from the others. Disenchanted, I imagined myself nineteen again, trapped in classrooms and lecture halls, my gaze transfixed on the clock or the window, my ears ignoring the lecturer for the voices in my head. Freshman autonomy sang from birds in trees outside, calling me. In those days I took a lukewarm approach to structured learning. Textbooks like the dreadfully dull ones I’m thumbing through now usually remained in their shrink-wrap until two nights before the final exam.
All these thoughts about education were depressing. I started feeling bitter, as I often do when I reflect on my tutelage in the American public school system. Perhaps it’s simply a coping mechanism—the way I handle mediocrity—but I believe I could have and should have done bigger things. And I believe I would have if the adult professionals in whom I entrusted my education had cared a bit more about reaching and inspiring me.
There is one function textbooks serve and serve well: they minimize the amount of time instructors must spend engaging their students. Publishers are aware that, particularly at so-called “R1” (or Research 1) universities, and the least important thing on most professors minds is actually teaching. Professors seeking tenure know that they will not be assessed based on the quality of their teaching but rather on their prolificacy of their empirical research. I’ve even had tenured professors advice me that winning a teaching award is the “kiss of death” at R1 institutions because it indicates you’ve been slacking off on your research. Spending time to develop into an exceptional teacher, in other words, is seen in academia as time misspent. Textbooks excuse instructors from the often daunting task of locating appropriate readings, enabling them to focus more of their time on doing research.
People with Learning Disabilities
When it comes to A.D.D., most Americans carry around with them a set of uniform, uninformed biases. If they themselves don’t suffer from a learning disability, and aren’t close to anyone that does, it’s understandable that stereotypes will abound. assumptions about those of us who have learning disabilities pins certain labels on people with AD/HD or dyslexia. We wear them readily, sometimes proudly.
We readily wear whatever labels society pins on “people like us.”
Here’s a list of famous people with learning disabilities. Most of them exhibit a common A.D.D. trait in their tendency to do things their own way. It was this individuality, this need to push back against the monotony that turns most “normal” people into robots. These men and women overcame their disabilities and figured out how to thrive in spite of them (or perhaps because of them). This required them to forgive themselves–something many people with learning disabilities never learn to do.
Famous People with AD/HD:
- Jim Carey (actor, comedian).
- Bill Cosby (comedian).
- Kirk Douglas (actor).
- Glenn Beck (television personality)
- Magic Johnson (basketball player).
- Michael Jordan (basketball player).
- Jason Kidd (basketball player).
- Pete Rose (baseball player).
- Nolan Ryan (baseball player).
- Will Smith (actor, rapper).
- Robin Williams (actor, comedian).
Famous People with Dyslexia:
- Hans Christian Anderson (author).
- Marlon Brando (actor).
- Richard Branson (record exec.).
- Tom Cruise (actor).
- Noel Gallagher (Oasis band member).
- Whoopi Goldberg (actress).
- Mike Gravel (U.S. Senator).
- Eddie Izzard (stand-up comedian).
- Keanu Reeves (actor).
Historical Figures Widely Assumed to have been Learning Disabled:
(Note: These individuals lived during a period the medical community recognized AD/HD and dyslexia as official disorders. Until the late twentieth century, people with learning disabilities were widely classified as having minor brain damage. Although no official diagnosis existed at the time, It seems inaccurate to categorize whatever made them unique as “brain damage.” Hence all we know in retrospect is that these people were different–that they thrived in certain challenging arenas while performing peculiarly poorly in others–but no official diagnosis existed at the time.).
- Ansel Adams (artist).
- Alexander Graham Bell (inventor).
- Winston Churchill (UK Prime Minister).
- Leonardo da Vinci (artist).
- Walt Disney (entrepreneur).
- Thomas Edison (inventor).
- Albert Einstein (scientist).
- Dwight Eisenhower (U.S. President).
- Malcolm Forbes (entrepreneur).
- Henry Ford (entrepreneur).
- Ben Franklin (inventor, politician).
- Galileo (scientist).
- John F. Kennedy (U.S. President).
- Robert F. Kennedy (U.S. Senator).
- Abraham Lincon (U.S. President).
- Sir Isaac Newton (scientist).
- Pablo Picasso (artist).
- Babe Ruth (baseball player).
- Vincent Van Gogh (artist).
- Woodrow Wilson (U.S. President).
- Orville Wright (inventor, aviator).
- Wilber Wright (inventor, aviator).
Again, most of the people listed above were able to succeed because they forgave themselves for being “abnormal,” and even learned to embrace those parts of themselves that made them different from their peers. They rejected the stigma others attached to them, realizing the same force that made it impossible for them to sit still in class also armed them with a stronger will and a greater ability to “think outside the box.”It behooves all of us who suffer from learning disabilities to follow their examples, to simply accept the fact that we may always suck at tedious tasks most people do with their eyes closed. The same brain quirk that hinders us from completing such tedious tasks also fuels us to thrive where others are utterly useless.
Nothing is Ever Perfect (and Imperfection is Excruciating)
In my academic writing, and even now in my blogging, nothing ever feels finished. It took me three years to complete my M.A., mainly because I wouldn’t let my adviser look at any of my drafts until I’d deemed them perfect. Ironically, in the process of making sure everything sounded perfect, I botched the research design and essentially had to start over. I’m rarely proud enough of something I’ve written to consider it “done,” to walk away from it and feel comfortable about others assessing it.
Like this post, for example. I think it absolutely sucks.
